[ but that is an answer to his question, one might say. part of him wants to cross the distance and pay him on the shoulder, maybe give him a one armed hug.
but he doesn't, of course. snake just sits, fists on his knees, back straight.
and there's a moment there, where his voice is a little softer, perhaps. something like relief, and care peeking through. ]
when snake’s voice softens, raiden’s throat tightens in turn. his fingers flex, eye squeezing shut for half of a second.
this is reality. this is not a dream. that makes the pain, and everything it brings, all the more intense. raiden blinks rapidly as though his body’d been responding to an influx of tears. but there’s nothing there. ]
I know that... [ he rasps out. ] But—fuck, Snake. I just...You asked me if I was afraid. I’m not. I’m not afraid of whatever’s in our heads, what this place or why we’re here, I’m afraid of—
[ this is so goddamned pathetic. ]
...Forget it. You’re right. You’re here. And so long as you are, I’m not letting you go down.
[ afraid of what? snake watches him. studies his body language, traces his gaze along raiden's face and picks apart his expression. he thinks he sees grief. he understands that. five years is a long time. sunny should almost be in her teens— if she's not already, depending on which side of the year it is.
so for a moment, he's just an old man with his brows knitted in contemplation and something like pain. ]
[ he remembers laying on that floor, latching onto his leg, pleading for him to let raiden go. he would’ve taken death over losing snake. he would’ve taken anything.
raiden raises his head, eyes shining the way they did on that day. ]
Losing you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
[ he had a hunch, sure. but he has no idea how to navigate this kind of thing. he's bad with emotions as is. it's not that snake is here, necessarily, it's the prospect of losing him again that has raiden... well, in the state he is. ]
I have something I have to do. I'm going nowhere until then.
[ from snake's point of view, this is the end of the conversation. he's uncomfortable, to put it plainly, and unsure of how to begin to respond at this point. he can settle for living next to raiden and inserting himself into his matters when snake himself deems necessary, so he inclines his head, wordlessly, and stands. it wasn't his choice to be here and he gets the feeling it isn't raiden's, either. so he stands and makes his way towards the door, only to be stopped by mention of sunny.
so he looks up, still silent, eyes swimming with emotion for a moment. his last moments in front of that grave had been spent gracelessly hoping he had the power to go through with it for the sake of the future— for sunny's sake.
Yeah. [ raiden folds his arms. ] He misses you too. Tries not to show it too much...but he doesn’t do a very good job at it.
[ raiden’s features soften at the thought of sunny; she thaws him without even trying. ]
Truth is, she doesn’t need him to take care of her though. She’s got her own company — builds spacecraft for a living. She’s all grown up, Snake. Doing more than I ever could. Heh. She’s making the world a better place.. and she’s only 10.
I don’t need to tell her that you’d be proud of her. I think...I think she already knows.
[ there’s a moment where he falls silent. he holds his gaze and shakes his head with a half assed raise of the arms. ]
This is the only time I get to see you and you’re leaving already. Wow.
[ he can see it in raiden's expression, even if it's not obvious. he's proud of sunny, too, in that way you can only be if you fathered someone. he listens, and he picks up a little here and there about raiden too. he's matured, gotten rough around the edges, but perhaps that's more because he's allowed himself to become so.
admittedly, he really does feel like he's trying to wet nurse raiden through grief right now. but can he blame him? no, not really. everyone deals with it differently. ]
Didn't realize you wanted me to stick around.
[ snake looks out the window toward... well, the brick outside. not the most attractive scenery, but sure. at least they can lock themselves inside. ]
What do you mean? "Doing more than you ever could"?
[ "get what?" is on the tip of his tongue. raiden settles himself in on a seat, looking downcast and contemplative. he wants to ask what the real problem is, where exactly he should be applying his attention for the moment.
talking about sunny is tricky for him. he's always opted for nonverbal with her. she gets it; probably understands it faster than verbal communication. ]
She gets it from you. [ he says, voice gruff with smoke and emotion that he's trying to suppress. ] You and Otacon... that's why her name's Sunny. She was always going to be the sunshine we needed. Our light upon future.
[ raiden listens in silence. lets him speak, even if his features harden and his brows have cinched. if he had a bottom lip, he'd likely be frowning right now. ]
She's the light. You're right. But I'm the darkness. I always have been. I've accepted that.
[ chuuni moment. ]
Snake. [ his voice lowers. ] I went back to the battlefield. And I did something that's got me slated as public enemy number one. I don't regret it... but the unrepentant killer inside me, I'm not going to deny him anymore. I can't change who I am, but I can make sure no one else has to be like me.
[ man, he swears he's heard this before... where did raiden get that.
oh right. ]
I'm a shadow... One no light can shine on.
[ truthfully speaking, it was never going to work out for snake. for raiden, he hoped for the best. admittedly, maybe this is the best. because snake hears something in there, amidst the gloom; that despite what he and the rest of the men responsible for the world have done to people like him, raiden's going to make sure no one else has to live like that.
and that's good, because it's change.
he tilts his head, leans back and looks down at raiden. ]
Don't be stupid. [ there's something between a growl and a laugh in his throat, a noise so old and worn in it's own nostalgic way. ] I told you. You're lightning, casting light on the things in the shadows, striking them down. [ mercilessly, maybe. ] The battlefield has it's purpose for certain people... until they're gone, it'll go on. What we can do is fight, and keep fighting, for change. That will keep the future bright, and hopeful.
[ snake knows how to render him vulnerable, stripping metal down until he reaches that bare, human heart. raiden feels like a boy again. a bumbling "rookie" who wanted to be useful and special in his eyes. the broken shell of a man who laid at his feet and cried. it comes back to him in a rush, overwhelming for a second while his fingers flex and his eye raises to him.
one of his hands moves to fiddle with the bandana strapped across his face. ]
You wanted me to go back... and not waste my youth. I wanted to listen to you... I wanted to be that man. The one who could spend the rest of his life with his family in peace... someone honorable. I...I wanted to heal...and I know you wanted me to, too.
But I couldn't. There's a fucked up little boy in there who still enjoys tearing people to shreds. Jack the Ripper. He won't leave me alone — and I can't shut him out anymore.
[ a pause as he sets his hands against his knees. ]
I wanted to protect the future you fought for. But I couldn't. The war economy... it's humming right back to life with more bravado than ever. I have to stop it. Not just for you and Sunny, but for the millions of people out there living just like I did.
[ the laugh that escapes him is wry and bitter — it's subdued with sorrow, though. ]
All this time, I thought that you'd be disappointed in me. I kept looking for you in everything and everywhere. All of the things you told me to do...I couldn't. And the world — it wasn't the same after you left. I went back to PMCs because there wasn't a place for a cyborg...or, I suppose, a monster like me. After everything I'd seen and been through, I still went back... it was like I forgot all over again. Then I remembered... and I couldn't forgive myself for that.
This is who I am, Snake. Who I really am. I don't know if I can change anything at the end of the day...but I know what I have to do — whether it makes me a bad guy or not.
[ snake gives him a good once over. listens. he hears the twinges of pain in raiden's voice, but he hears something else, too. the legend of solid snake looms over people, always there. he can't quite see the opal slope of his face, can't quite decipher every emotion passing through his eyes and the twitches in his face, but he picks up on the nuance of it all; that perhaps snake had placed too much on raiden's shoulders.
but he knows, too, that the man who had collapsed, arms wound 'round his ankles like a child, deserved to live, and to choose whatever life he wanted.
he's quiet. he listens. snake doesn't move a hair out of place, only blinking as raiden unloads. ]
That's your choice? [ it's a question he poses, a moment after consideration, of breaking down his own guilt and fears. it is not that raiden has disappointed him; only that snake has been unable to prevent this. unable to see this man through, to his complete freedom.
but if it is a choice he makes, to chain the beast within him to his beliefs and what he wants for the future— his future— that, too, is a worthwhile choice. ]
[ when raiden raises his head, this time it’s with a certainty, an unyielding kind of hardness he has never shown snake before. raiden was not solid snake. he was not his shadow nor was he his subordinate, the one he would order back home and walk away from time and time again. ]
Yeah. [ his voice is firm when he speaks. ] Mine and mine alone.
[ he's changed. he's strong, and stronger than snake could have hoped to see from him. it'd weasel a smile out of him, but he's not that kind of man. instead, snake shakes his head. ]
You've got it wrong. There's no certainty in the future. What we have is the ability to fight, or to obey. Raiden, you said it before. Freeing me was freeing yourself. The ability to choose is a form of freedom, one people rarely find or define for themselves. You deserved it. A chance to choose. [ he's quiet for a moment, holds raiden's gaze. it's unflinching, the look you give someone who understands you.
he would have chosen the same path. this is the future, and raiden is protecting it. it may not have been the easiest path... but it's the one that snake knows is most logical. he said before that he would start his own fire; raiden carries the torch. ]
[ it’s strange — to hear snake speak to him as a man instead of a boy. he’d sought so desperately to be his equal. and he was, in his own way, but snake...solid snake would always stand at a distance, chivalrous and kind and cold as he left raiden behind.
he doesn’t need him anymore. it’s true. but this flutter of warmth in his chest, it’s made him feel more alive than he’s been in years. ]
Snake. [ a beat. he does not break eye contact. ] You don’t need to worry about me anymore. I want to live — and I plan on it.
But this time, when you go... let me come with you.
[ he should say something like "that's my line," but they both know it isn't. it isn't snake who hasn't seen raiden for five years.
so snake holds out his fist, only a moment after raiden claps a hand on his shoulder. it's a familiar sensation of gears and metal, bolts and nuts against the fabric of his black turtleneck. c'mon, you can't leave an old man hanging. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ but that is an answer to his question, one might say. part of him wants to cross the distance and pay him on the shoulder, maybe give him a one armed hug.
but he doesn't, of course. snake just sits, fists on his knees, back straight.
and there's a moment there, where his voice is a little softer, perhaps. something like relief, and care peeking through. ]
But I'm here now.
no subject
5 years, give or take.
[ since—...
when snake’s voice softens, raiden’s throat tightens in turn. his fingers flex, eye squeezing shut for half of a second.
this is reality. this is not a dream. that makes the pain, and everything it brings, all the more intense. raiden blinks rapidly as though his body’d been responding to an influx of tears. but there’s nothing there. ]
I know that... [ he rasps out. ] But—fuck, Snake. I just...You asked me if I was afraid. I’m not. I’m not afraid of whatever’s in our heads, what this place or why we’re here, I’m afraid of—
[ this is so goddamned pathetic. ]
...Forget it. You’re right. You’re here. And so long as you are, I’m not letting you go down.
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so for a moment, he's just an old man with his brows knitted in contemplation and something like pain. ]
What are you afraid of?
[ for a moment, he wonders if it's himself. ]
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raiden raises his head, eyes shining the way they did on that day. ]
Losing you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
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I have something I have to do. I'm going nowhere until then.
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...Right.
[ and just like back then, it hadn’t been remotely comforting. characteristic, but not comforting. thanks snake. ]
Just don’t overdo it. [ he continues flatly. there’s a beat. ]
...Sunny misses you, by the way.
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so he looks up, still silent, eyes swimming with emotion for a moment. his last moments in front of that grave had been spent gracelessly hoping he had the power to go through with it for the sake of the future— for sunny's sake.
snake nods. ] Otacon taking good care of her?
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[ raiden’s features soften at the thought of sunny; she thaws him without even trying. ]
Truth is, she doesn’t need him to take care of her though. She’s got her own company — builds spacecraft for a living. She’s all grown up, Snake. Doing more than I ever could. Heh. She’s making the world a better place.. and she’s only 10.
I don’t need to tell her that you’d be proud of her. I think...I think she already knows.
[ there’s a moment where he falls silent. he holds his gaze and shakes his head with a half assed raise of the arms. ]
This is the only time I get to see you and you’re leaving already. Wow.
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admittedly, he really does feel like he's trying to wet nurse raiden through grief right now. but can he blame him? no, not really. everyone deals with it differently. ]
Didn't realize you wanted me to stick around.
[ snake looks out the window toward... well, the brick outside. not the most attractive scenery, but sure. at least they can lock themselves inside. ]
What do you mean? "Doing more than you ever could"?
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[ raiden lets out a heavy, weary sigh. ]
You really just don't get it sometimes, do you.
[ raiden suddenly shifts and pulls up a chair so that he's sitting across from snake. his head is turned down for a minute. ]
That exactly. She's bringing good into the world.
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talking about sunny is tricky for him. he's always opted for nonverbal with her. she gets it; probably understands it faster than verbal communication. ]
She gets it from you. [ he says, voice gruff with smoke and emotion that he's trying to suppress. ] You and Otacon... that's why her name's Sunny. She was always going to be the sunshine we needed. Our light upon future.
no subject
She's the light. You're right. But I'm the darkness. I always have been. I've accepted that.
[ chuuni moment. ]
Snake. [ his voice lowers. ] I went back to the battlefield. And I did something that's got me slated as public enemy number one. I don't regret it... but the unrepentant killer inside me, I'm not going to deny him anymore. I can't change who I am, but I can make sure no one else has to be like me.
no subject
oh right. ]
I'm a shadow... One no light can shine on.
[ truthfully speaking, it was never going to work out for snake. for raiden, he hoped for the best. admittedly, maybe this is the best. because snake hears something in there, amidst the gloom; that despite what he and the rest of the men responsible for the world have done to people like him, raiden's going to make sure no one else has to live like that.
and that's good, because it's change.
he tilts his head, leans back and looks down at raiden. ]
Don't be stupid. [ there's something between a growl and a laugh in his throat, a noise so old and worn in it's own nostalgic way. ] I told you. You're lightning, casting light on the things in the shadows, striking them down. [ mercilessly, maybe. ] The battlefield has it's purpose for certain people... until they're gone, it'll go on. What we can do is fight, and keep fighting, for change. That will keep the future bright, and hopeful.
You can't tell me you aren't doing that.
no subject
one of his hands moves to fiddle with the bandana strapped across his face. ]
You wanted me to go back... and not waste my youth. I wanted to listen to you... I wanted to be that man. The one who could spend the rest of his life with his family in peace... someone honorable. I...I wanted to heal...and I know you wanted me to, too.
But I couldn't. There's a fucked up little boy in there who still enjoys tearing people to shreds. Jack the Ripper. He won't leave me alone — and I can't shut him out anymore.
[ a pause as he sets his hands against his knees. ]
I wanted to protect the future you fought for. But I couldn't. The war economy... it's humming right back to life with more bravado than ever. I have to stop it. Not just for you and Sunny, but for the millions of people out there living just like I did.
[ the laugh that escapes him is wry and bitter — it's subdued with sorrow, though. ]
All this time, I thought that you'd be disappointed in me. I kept looking for you in everything and everywhere. All of the things you told me to do...I couldn't. And the world — it wasn't the same after you left. I went back to PMCs because there wasn't a place for a cyborg...or, I suppose, a monster like me. After everything I'd seen and been through, I still went back... it was like I forgot all over again. Then I remembered... and I couldn't forgive myself for that.
This is who I am, Snake. Who I really am. I don't know if I can change anything at the end of the day...but I know what I have to do — whether it makes me a bad guy or not.
no subject
but he knows, too, that the man who had collapsed, arms wound 'round his ankles like a child, deserved to live, and to choose whatever life he wanted.
he's quiet. he listens. snake doesn't move a hair out of place, only blinking as raiden unloads. ]
That's your choice? [ it's a question he poses, a moment after consideration, of breaking down his own guilt and fears. it is not that raiden has disappointed him; only that snake has been unable to prevent this. unable to see this man through, to his complete freedom.
but if it is a choice he makes, to chain the beast within him to his beliefs and what he wants for the future— his future— that, too, is a worthwhile choice. ]
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Yeah. [ his voice is firm when he speaks. ] Mine and mine alone.
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You've got it wrong. There's no certainty in the future. What we have is the ability to fight, or to obey. Raiden, you said it before. Freeing me was freeing yourself. The ability to choose is a form of freedom, one people rarely find or define for themselves. You deserved it. A chance to choose. [ he's quiet for a moment, holds raiden's gaze. it's unflinching, the look you give someone who understands you.
he would have chosen the same path. this is the future, and raiden is protecting it. it may not have been the easiest path... but it's the one that snake knows is most logical. he said before that he would start his own fire; raiden carries the torch. ]
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he doesn’t need him anymore. it’s true. but this flutter of warmth in his chest, it’s made him feel more alive than he’s been in years. ]
Snake. [ a beat. he does not break eye contact. ] You don’t need to worry about me anymore. I want to live — and I plan on it.
But this time, when you go... let me come with you.
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in any case, he chooses not to mention he's in the next room. ]
When you're done, then you can rest.
[ so he shakes his head, gaze downcast to the floorboards again. ] You have a fight to continue. Can't let you clock out early, can I?
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‘Course not. I told you I wouldn’t die. Besides, I promised Sunny I’d bring her souvenirs back.
...Snake. [ he reaches his hand over...and clasps his shoulder. ] I’m always going to have your back.
[ and in a softer, meeker tone— ]
...It’s good — to see you again.
no subject
so snake holds out his fist, only a moment after raiden claps a hand on his shoulder. it's a familiar sensation of gears and metal, bolts and nuts against the fabric of his black turtleneck. c'mon, you can't leave an old man hanging. ]